Funny Jokes

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner
with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to
her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes
a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist
it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like
to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the
family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his
first
time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in!”

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his
head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head
down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over
and whispers to the
boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist.”

TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Maria!

___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”

___________________________________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!

___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile?”
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L”
TEACHER : No, that’s wrong
GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it’s H to O!
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS : Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with “I.”
MILLIE : I is…
TEACHER : No, Millie….. Always say, “I am.”
MILLIE : All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.”
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father
didn’t punish him?”
LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as
your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it’s the same dog!;
__________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.

Calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to  buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”